this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
