I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
