Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
