Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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