I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
