Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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