Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
