OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
