I am puke
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
