Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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