I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
