he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
this boner is exhausting
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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