I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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