she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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