Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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