glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
