just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
