worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
