walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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