An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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