I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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