They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
