Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
