Taylor Swift is so right about you.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
