Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
