4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
