I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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