his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
