In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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