I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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