genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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