call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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