My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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