Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
