She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Sorry my hands just texted you
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
