There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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