I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
