Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
