NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
