my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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