You're my little dorito
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
