Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
