Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
