Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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