Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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