you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
