Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
