i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
