Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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