swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
