we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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