Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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